Starving Artists No More

If you're in the theatre business, you've heard the word "stipend" far too many times, usually with the word "small" preceding it.

sti·pend –noun

1.	a periodic payment, esp. a scholarship or fellowship allowance granted to a student.

2.	fixed or regular pay; salary.

Now, as I've mentioned before, I've done a lot of jobs for little to no pay. I like to gain the experience, and learning is cool, kids. But it is disheartening to take a look at theatre job sites where there are help wanted ads asking one to stage manage, build a set, design lights, stitch costumes or juggle a set of ginsu knives while whistling under water----for a "small stipend".
I get it- there are many, many small companies out there doing theatre to warm the depths of their penny-pinching hearts. However, for any of you unfamiliar with this business, asking someone to design and build a set for "good karma and occasional snacks" is something akin to asking your decor-savvy friend to re-floor your apartment, re-upholster your furniture, and re-paint all your walls (in a striped pattern) in exchange for three broken Nilla Wafers.
Most of said theatre companies will lure people in with the promise of "great learning experience" or "chance to work with an exciting young company". Guess what? I already had a great (and by great I mean long) learning experience. It was called "college". And "chance to work with an exciting young company" is almost synonymous with "we'll disappear after this show gets an audience of just 6 people a night for three days."
So what's a beginning company to do? There is no money in the arts, at least not in this country. And most of the time, everyone has to work a stupid amount of hours to afford their astronomical NYC rent.

Here are your options:
1. Don't do theatre in NYC.
2. Make a lot of friends.
3. Start out with low-tech shows.

Number 3 is an option most companies won't consider, as it will utterly destroy(!) their artistic vision not to have eight flats with three doors and tile flooring. But I say, if you can't carry a production with just the script and the acting, you have no business being here anyway. What good is a 3-D set if you have 2-D characters?
I'm not saying any of this out of bitterness or anger; I'm giving what I truly believe to be good advice. I've worked on many shows for my friends, and will continue to do so, because they are my friends. But I think the cycle of asking for skilled labor for no money needs not to be the norm. You've never heard anyone ask an exterminator to clean their home of roaches in exchange for subway fare, right? Also, it is my belief that there is waaaaaay too much shitty theatre out there, siphoning talent and hands from shows that are actually worthwhile. The problem here is that everyone thinks his/her show is a theatrical gem, and that they will be "discovered" in some shitty blackbox on the Lower East Side.
What I'm saying is, if less bad theatre were done here in New York, perhaps the small companies might have enough money to give out a fourth broken Nilla Wafer.

Butt-obsessed Cottonelle Pup

These ads have long irked me. I posted a blog on myspace a while back about them: and here it is

However, Amelie Gillette of The Hater expressed this sentiment so much more poignantly than I could ever hope to do myself (have a read):

3. Toilet paper + Over-sharing + that butt-obsessed dog = Cottonelle's over-explanatory ad campaign

Subtle, Cottonelle. But if the aim of your ad campaign is to make people on subways think about vast volumes of poop, then really this ad is too subtle. If you're going to remind consumers of exactly what toilet paper is for—-something that, incidentally, no one ever needs to be reminded of because it is impossible to forget--then just be direct. Why not: "Cottonelle: It's What You Wipe Your Butt With" Or "Planning To Defecate Today? Use Cottonelle." Those would be more honest, and somehow less gross.

The Wrong (or Right?) Time to Abbreviate

Seen at the Manhattan Fruit Exchange, Chelsea Market:

Pikchas

Redheads with puppies (note the one in the background- completely accidental!)

Dry Comedy

My friend Lisa was walking her dogs the other day (two adorable yorkies), and one man looked down at them and said (without the slightest bit of facial expression), "Woof."

A pause.

The man standing next to him said, "Yeah. Woof."

Had I witnessed this, I would have wet myself.

Rambo is soooo popular.

So Ace went to Central Park a coupla days ago with Rambo (our little dachshund/yorkie mix), and sat down on a bench. Sitting across from him was a guy in a baseball cap, perhaps sleeping. When this guy saw Rambo, he approached Ace, and starting asking about him, and talking about how great Rambo's eyes were. Ace recognized the voice, but couldn't place it. It was bearlike, and deep. The man looked up, revealing his face, and Ace realized that Tom Waits was petting and complimenting our dog.

Use and Abuse

Pretty much all art is multimedia. A medium is what you use to accomplish your work, be it paint, lighting, photography, fabric, etc. Therefore, when a press release or a critic refers to your work as being multimedia, it doesn't actually mean much.

Important note for choreographers: "multimedia" is not synonymous with "video-enhanced". If that were the case, why even bother calling your work multimedia when 90% of the other modern dance choreographers use video projections? It doesn't set you apart, it makes you seem a conformist.

On that note, I've seen a lot of bad and uninteresting video work in dance. On rare occasions I have see excellent use of video. I've seen a lot of projections of dancers in a dance studio (always dull). I've seen a good deal of random repetitive images (overused and inaccessible). The few times I've seen it work well have been the times when the video was actually incorporated into the dance, a la Susan Marshall. When it's simply a backdrop to a piece, you create a two-ring circus; do I watch this cliched video, or do I pay attention to this even worse dance piece? If your video is simply something done by a friend, and you thought it just looked cool, can it. Focus on your choreography and not the technical elements. No amount of bells and whistles will make up for your lack of skill and/or the lack of cohesion in your performance.

Grossness

You ever notice, in those subway ads for bunion/hammertoe surgery, the before and after pictures are somehow equally nasty? It could have to do with the poor lighting, but I feel that the owners of said feet might be developing gangrene or leprosy or...something. Also, Dr. Zizmor looks like plastic.

Also, last week I saw Tyra Banks and her Top Model minions with Mayor Bloomberg on 18th street and 9th avenue, planting a sickly looking tree on a traffic island as an enormous film crew captured Tyra's every freaky animatronic facial expression. Each model (I believe it has been narrowed down to four at this point) had a pair of work gloves to toss ONE shovelful of dirt over the tree roots. If you've never been there, this intersection is fairly desolate, as far as NYC goes. There's a check-cashing place, a bodega, bad Chinese food, and a metric shit-ton of traffic. And planting a tree basically in the middle of a highway isn't really going to ensure its survival. Now, I'm all for more trees. But that congestion-pricing bill should have been passed last week! It would have made a much bigger difference in the air quality than planting one tree at a time for the next ten years. For those of you unfamiliar with the bill, it was a proposal to charge anyone driving into Manhattan an $8.00 fee, thus encouraging them to use public transportation instead ($4.00 two-way subway card and no need to spend on gas). But oh, Congresspeople cried! That will unfairly hurt all the rich people like me with Hummers and Limos! Let's build more luxury housing and push the entire middle-class to the Bronx! Let's cram them into subway cars tightly, and tell them they really must try the foie gras at Tavern on the Green, it's phenomenal!

Things That Irk Me

- The sound of lip-smacking and/or gum-chewing into a microphone.
- The phrase "pet peeve".
- The phrase "just so you know"...can't say it without sounding just the tiniest bit condescending. Try it.
- Round, plastic chopsticks.
- Having a rock in my shoe and no energy to get it out.
- Walking around all day with a rock in my shoe.
- "Loogies."
- The existence of kitties that I don't own and/or can't pet.
- Intentional knuckle-cracking.
- Heather being in Spain, and not having stored me in her luggage.
- Co-workers who talk about work only, except when showing off their encyclopaedic knowledge of wines.
- Dry-eye syndrome.
- The fact that New York has slipped "whaddya gonna do?" into my regular vocabulary
- My recent onset of crossword-puzzle dyslexia.
- Weak coffee.
- Finding a roach in my boiling pasta.
- Tendonitis.
- Cyclists without helmets.
- Ringing phones.
- Jackets with EVERY basketball or baseball team logo. Pick one. It'll be easier to match to your Nikes.
- When classic novels become cool because a movie is made out of them.
- When terrible novels become cool because a movie is made out of them.
- Terrible novels.
- Steely Dan.

Some Films

Things I've watched recently that I would recommend:

The Wendell Baker Story (if you're a fan of The Life Aquatic, Royal Tenenbaums, et. al.)
-Made by all three Wilson brothers (Luke, Owen and Andrew)
-Features a fake-ID scam, a retirement community and Kris Kristofferson.
-Why has nobody ever heard of it?

Southland Tales (if you like your cinema stylized and absurd)
-Features (most notably) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Wallace Shaun, and several SNL cast members.
-Storyline includes the Iraq war, time travel, celebrity scandals, and murder.

Romance and Cigarettes (a quasi-musical, but don't fear it)
-Christopher Walken dances.
-One of my professors is in it (yeah, Papa Joe!)
-James Gandolfini and Susan Sarandon kick ass.
-Oh yeah, Steve Buscemi, too.

Career Intern

Most people like to work for money, given the chance. I like it, too. However, I find myself accepting low- or no- pay jobs (in addition to my paid work) fairly often, which I guess is my attempt to make up for not going to grad school yet. In the latest of my efforts to become a one-woman theatre company, I've begun a make-up design internship with a body-painter. A few days ago, several other interns and myself met at the design studio for a lesson in air-brush beauty make-up.

It was fucking rad.

If you're not a first-wave feminist, let me tell you- silicone and alcohol-based airbrush make-up is where it's at. Silicone for beauty, alcohol for body paint and special effects. Silicone-based make-up is water-resistant and absorbs oil- this translates into a long-lasting look that covers blemishes with absolutely no problem. You know how those concealer products just don't stick to a zit for longer than half an hour? Or make your zit a lovely shade of green? This stuff doesn't do that. Plus, it's so light-weight it feels and looks like your natural skin. It is amazing for photography and film. I am seriously blown away by this stuff- I feel like a walking, talking commercial. But I've seen it and felt it myself. The alcohol-based make-up works better for body painting because it is water-proof, so sweat and/or tears or beer, perhaps, won't eff it up on you. Both types wash off fairly easily.

There must be a catch, right? Yup. The shit's expensive. A very basic airbrush kit costs over $400. A bottle of foundation will set you back $25. Also, airbrushing is an in-demand skill. A pro artist will charge about $200-$250 for bridal make-up. Long story short, for most of us, it's a special-occasions-only type of make-over. However, once I get a little more experience and start building my portfolio, I will need models...hint, hint. So I'm thinking end of May/early June I may stage a photo shoot of some sort. We'll see.

Also, after I get my kit next week I'll need models to practice on. Any takers?