Here are some reviews from the last show I worked on, good and bad and so-so included:
Theatre is Easy
nytheatre.com
Tynan's Anger
Blog Critics
New Theater Corps
New Theater Corps (another one)
-but I'm still kickin'. Been a busy few months in Karenland.
Here's a NYTimes article for you playwrights.
Damn it feels good to be a word nerd.
Whip out your music program, click the random button, and pick out 10 songs. Alter the name by turning it into a convoluted, wordy synonym. For example: Silent Night = Nocturnal Time Completely Lacking Noise. When someone guesses the title correctly, italicize the convoluted one and put the real title and the person who figured it out.
1. You once witnessed precipitation, no? (Have You Ever Seen the Rain?) -DH
2. The act of human existence is equivalent to a swine stall.
3. Fornicating with me is not recommended for you specifically.
4. Extreme undulating change
5. Marine-borne am I.
6. The most challenging fastener to operate successfully (The Hardest Button to Button) - DH
7. My saccharine offspring (Sweet Child O' Mine) -DH
8. There is one more item for you to expect
9. Aquatic athlete at church
10. Descending with a lack of protective gear (Free-Falling) -DH
Haven't had much time to post anything new lately, but here are my latest costume designs (pix of how they actually materialized coming soon).
These were my original ideas, based on the my first meeting with the director:
However, those weren't quite the right vibe for the play. So the three we actually went with came out more similar to these (except with hands and feet):
Stats for New York this season are absurd:
Plays by Living American Playwrights for 2008-09 Season:
Roundabout: 3 white men, 1 white woman
Lincoln Center Theater: 4 white men
MTC: 5 White men, 1 black woman
Public Theater: 6 white men, 1 black woman
Second Stage: 3 white men, 1 white woman
Playwrights Horizons 4 white men, 2 women (1 black, 1 white)
Vineyard: 1 white man, 1 black man
NYTW: 1 white man, 1 white woman
Primary Stages: 3 white men, 1 white woman
Soho: 1 white man
Rattlestick: 2 white men, 1 white woman
New Group: 2 white men
Atlantic 5 white men
Total: 40 white men, 10 the rest of the world
Zero plays by Asian, Latino, Middle-Eastern playwrights. No plays with lesbian content.
Population of New York City:
Non-Latino Whites: 35%
Latinos: 27%
Blacks: 26.6 %
Asians 9.8 %
Other 1 %
White Males: 14% of New York City, 80% of 2008/09 Theater Season
If you are the first person to leave a crowded subway train, your mission (even if you choose NOT to accept it) is to move your legs as quickly as possible to the nearest exit.
Similarly, when you are the first to approach the stairs that will get you out into the real world again, you must be ready to haul ass. When you do not adhere to this fundamental rule, you don't see it, but a few hundred people behind you die a little. You may have shaved off a few minutes of each of their lives, due to the extra strain you put on their near-exploding brains.
If you are not prepared for this task, then step down and let someone else lead the crowd. You are obviously not in a hurry anyway.
However, if you ARE prepared for this task, do it with pride. Take those stairs two at a time. Roller-skate through the subway tunnels if you feel like it. A warning, though- even if you are the fastest stair-skipper in all the land, it is NOT OKAY to block the entire stairwell. Keep to the right, idiot.
Thanks.
Went to the world-famous Sylvia's last night, and was by no means disappointed. I had the California-style smothered chicken and waffle, with a side of baked mac n cheese. If you live in this city, and you have not yet gone to Sylvia's- go. It's on 125th street, east side. Reasonably priced for the wallets of artists. Huge portions. Gym across the street.
Do us all a favor. Don't go and protest at the RNC. It just makes all liberals look like fucking wack-jobs.
Also, no government? That'll definitely happen.
Thanks.
I thought I was going to hate this show, based on its marketing campaign and ridiculous premise.
The premise is still absurd and laughable, the characters are fairly stock, and some of the dialogue makes me cringe a little. But some of this show is so brilliant I can't help but enjoy it. Perhaps the best little trick the writers have played is to create a lead character who's a bit on the dopey side for all his evil genius tendencies.
To make an audience root for a serial killer? No small task. It helps that they've given him some type of conscience in the form of an ethical code given to him by his adoptive father. However, this same conceit is pretty cheesy at the same time.
Whatever. I love it. Maybe it's the sociopath in me.
If you have access to television, newspapers, or any other media stronghold, you've likely read or heard the following lines, or something akin to them:
Hillary Slams Obama Over Deceptive Ohio Mailers
Obama Slugs Back At "Trial Lawyer" Edwards
McCain Punches Back over GI Bill
Clinton Fights Back to take New Hampshire
Democrats Attack; McCain Kicks Back
Obama Attacks McCain's Record On Immigration
Romney Blasts McCain Over Iraq War Charge
Hillary Clinton Battles for Rhode Island Voters
Under Fire, Obama Tackles Race Relations Head-on
Clinton, Obama Camp Exchange War of ‘Just Words’
It's a wonder our presidential candidates remain standing. It's getting bloody and tiresome. I would like to put forth the following motion:
For the next three months, any campaign-related issues must use metaphors based on Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.
I submit the following substitutes for the above headlines:
Hillary Sets Obama's Table over Deceptive Ohio Mailers.
Obama Puts Down Toilet Seat on "Trial Lawyer" Edwards
McCain Invited to GI Bill Soiree; Politely Declines with Adequate Notice
Hillary Silences Cell Phone to Take New Hampshire
Democrats Serve Appetizers; McCain Asks to be Excused
Obama Removes Tongue Ring to talk about McCain's Immigration Record
Romney RSVP's to McCain for Iraq War Soiree
Hillary Clinton Correctly Pronounces the Name of Every Rhode Islander
Obama Avoids Wearing White Suit at Interracial Wedding
Clinton, Obama Camp Exchange Recipes for Key Lime Pie
Dear blog,
Last weekend, Heather and I went to the Big Apple for the very first time. There were so many exciting things to see, and so many strange people! Our first stop, of course, was to the Statue of Liberty! It's soooo much awesomer in person!
On our way to Chinatown, we encountered some of the urban graffiti we've heard so much about. I guess it's a real problem here. We thought it was sort of "edgy" and "cool" though.
Some of the locals, hangin' out in Chinatown:
The Big Apple is really open to all types, including the gays. We saw sooo many gay people all over! Here are a few of our faves:
Not everything is all sunshine and happiness in the city. Crimes like homelessness,
...single motherhood...
...prostitution....
...child abuse...
...and theft still run, rampantly speaking.
Women are liberated in New York. Here, we stumbled upon folks gathering for a Women's Rights Rally. I guess it was sponsored by Levi's.
Conspicuous consumption! Here we saw a famous Andy Warhol painting for sale! Can you imagine?
Education is suffering here. A lot of people didn't even know that Jesus died a few years back there:
Enough adventuring! I'm hungry! It's off to Little Italy with us! Join us next time!
Hey dudes. I'm taking a break from this blogging shit. It's just, there's so much drama, and I don't know who's being a fake and omg, Tom is gonna delete your blog if you don't comment here. So.
Simply because a play contains two men pondering death and waiting for something does not make it "Beckettian".
Similarly, simply because a play has something British about it does not make it "Pinter-esque".
Have you people ever seen a Beckett play? Come on!
I was wondering, after a recent post of mine, what percentage of the plays I've read for work (which are given to me in random order) are set in a New York City apartment, and what percent contained voodoo, etc.
Here's a fun breakdown:
NYC apartment setting: 38%
Voodoo-type stuff: 17%
Race Issues: 13%
Gay Jokes: 17%
Male Lead Character: 68%
Male Author:70%
Pre-1960: 13%
Not in the U.S.: 8%
Features a person turning into something un-human: 17%
Features drug use: 13%
Features a prostitute who likes her job: 12%
Features a prostitute who hates her job: 0%
Drama: 68%
Comedy: 20%
Undecided, or neither of the above:12%
Features marital infidelity: 28%
Features an important dream or "vision" (including ghosts): 42%
Is an absolutely inscrutable piece of shit: 6%
I have recommended for a second read: 16%
No more random voo-doo/witch doctor/mystical Indians to solve all your play's dilemmas.
It's just unbearable.
Thanks.
As if riding the bus with creepy people wasn't bad enough:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/07/31/canada.bus/index.html
I'm not sure I'll ever take Greyhound again, let alone sleep well at night, ever.
I've been working in the Hamptons this week, all week, with a group of awesome theatre techies at the Watermill Center's annual benefit. I'm not sure how to impress upon you how brutal this workweek is each year, except to tell you that one girl needed stitches midweek, my legs are one giant bruise, and I feel like I've gained five pounds of muscle, all of which is completely exhausted. However, it's one of the most enjoyable gigs I get to do, and this year we were all put up in a swanky Hamptons summer home, complete with tennis court, swimming pool, basketball court, jacuzzi, two dishwashers, two refrigerators, wifi, three living rooms, a hammock, bocce set, and one bathroom for each of our eight bedrooms. Enjoy some photos below:
The event's theme:
Howard Stern and wife:
Andre with Rufus Wainwright:
Rachel Zoe:
Beefcake:
So there's this website where one can procure the services of Steven Heward, DDS. Mr. Heward creates miniature etchings on false teeth (one can never have too niche-y a niche), which he then pops into willing people's gross, novocaine-numbed maws.
Here's an example of some artwork:
If you go to his website, you'll notice that there are MULTIPLE teeth with Amy Emphysema Winehouse on them, as well as a few featuring Tiger Woods. Okay, so some people are idiots. For the more sane patients, there are also Simon Cowell teeth. Simon Cowell. Really? I'd take Paula Abdul over him any day.
I could totally see getting a tooth tattoo of Abraham Lincoln, just because that really is kind of funny. I think I'd tire, though, of all the "you've got something stuck in your teeth" comments. I'll just go get a grill instead.
Yeah, that's right. It's a grill made of candy. You can now apply candy directly to your teeth, thus forgoing the years of effort trying to get a cavity the old-fashioned way. Crowns, anyone?
Some delightful summer fun in Washington Heights:
These kids, accompanied by many adults, are not only running through the spray from the fire hydrant, but also aiming it on full blast at passing cars, causing some to skid and many drivers to curse loudly out their windows.
For those of you who come to my blog looking for Rex Parker's (amazing) blog, it is located HERE.
If you're looking for the New York Times Crossword, it can be found HERE.
Those wishing to contact Brendan Emmett Quigley about his brilliant and aneurysm-inducing Friday puzzles can click HERE.
Those looking for gay bachata, I have no idea where you'd find that. All apologies.
"God bless him, bless his heart, president of the United States -- a total failure, losing all credibility with the American people on the economy, on the war, on energy, you name the subject," Pelosi told CNN's Wolf Blitzer in an exclusive interview.
In the interview, Pelosi said the president was in no position to criticize Congress and brushed aside the criticisms as "something to talk about because he has no ideas."
Hey folks- it's not often that I do a plug for a TV show, but if you haven't seen it yet and you have cable, then start watching Mad Men. It's a show about the Golden Age of Advertising, and it's valuable not only for its insights into the lives of copywriters and secretaries of the 50's, but also for its comedy, fashions, and acting. The cinematography is gorgeous, the plot line is solid, and nothing comes off as fake, which is impressive for a period show. Mad Men was created by the same dramatic genius that came up with The Sopranos. It airs on AMC, and the next season starts on the 28th, I believe. If you want to catch up on the plot, iTunes sells individual episodes for something like two dollars.
Watch it.
I had the (dis)pleasure of overhearing a rather lengthy conversation a few days ago between two men (who shall remain unnamed). Two of their main topics were illegal immigration and Hurricane Katrina. The older of the two suggested something akin to the following, to curb illegal immigration at the Mexican border:
Have every American buy a landmine which they can place at any point along the border. Depending on the amount of "beaners" (yes, he actually said "beaners") they kill, they receive a monetary reward. It was suggested that this would get people really "interested" and involved in the problem. This man also said that he wasn't "...racist, just anti-illegal!"
On Katrina, the same man had the following to say: "Yeah, it was ALL the government's fault, yeah like we planned on a fucking hurricane coming through. And you know what, we gave them $1500 credit cards, and those niggers (yes, he actually said "niggers") went out and spent it on sneakers and jewelry and shit!"
He went on to call Barack Obama a "commie socialist" and John McCain "not conservative enough".
This was easily the most embarrassing and awful conversation I've heard in a long time. One forgets, living in a liberal enclave like NYC, that people like these still exist, in frighteningly large numbers. I'd like to see what this man would have done with $1500 after his entire home was carried away, his parents drowned, and his workplace was obliterated. I wonder if he would have spent some of that on landmines. I mean, seriously, what are you gonna do with $1500? Invest in stocks?
1. GET A REAL AGENT.
Judging by the vast amount of scripts I read with the names of prestigious literary agencies emblazoned on the covers, it is not hard to get an agent. Therefore, you should not have your best friend (who works at some law firm in Tulsa) write you a letter of recommendation in which he pretends to be your agent. We have Google. We use it liberally when we smell bullshit. And your best friend is a terrible liar. So.
2. KEEP YOUR BIO SHORT.
Really short. No DOB, no hobbies. Don't tell me where you went to school- it can only hurt you. If you went to Yale and your script sucks, we think "is this all Yale could do?". If you went to Yale and your script is awesome we think "well, yeah, but my dog could write like that for $40k a year if he grew up a privileged fuck too"). Do we really think these things? Well, I can only speak for myself, but I can't be the only jaded bitch out there. And your script should speak for itself.
3. DON'T TELL ME.
If you have submitted your awful, awful play to the Pulitzer committee or the Nobel prize committee or some other such ridiculous thing, do not tell me. Wait, I take that back. Continue to tell me these things. I like a good laugh.
Every two weeks or so, my meeting with the literary manager (LM) goes as follows:
LM: So, anything good this time around?
Me: No.
So, give me something good to read, something that has representation, something that's not set inside an apartment, something that isn't thinly-veiled autobiography. Thanks.
If you need more advice, see my other posts on this topic: here and here.
It was with a pained stomach and no small amount of sadness that I returned to NYC last night via Delta Stupid Airlines. For the past 7 or so days, I had been living the bohemian lifestyle of a Seattle native- paying only $3.oo per pint of imported beer, walking empty streets without apprehension, and navigating an inscrutable public transportation system. I'm almost certain that Seattle has a higher per-capita homeless ratio than New York, having been asked for money, cigarettes or both in excess of ten times a day there. Either there are more of them, or they are more vocal about the whole thing.
Now, the bus system: I'm sure that if you've lived in the city for a decent amount of time, it might make sense (perhaps a little more than Obama choosing Trent Lott as his running mate), however, to the uninitiated and tired, it proves to be quite frustrating. Here's why it sucks:
1. Fares are different throughout the day.
In the morning, one could pay $2.25 for a ride. In the afternoon, $1.75 or $1.50. Sometimes, just to make things extra fun, the fare is free. One generally discovers this after dropping all of one's change into the fare box.
2. Sometimes you pay as you enter, sometimes you pay as you leave. You generally, once again, discover this after paying, upon which the bus driver will growl at you for being a dumb tourist- didn't you know that on every other Tuesday with a full moon it's "pay as you leave"?.
3. The stops are rarely announced, at least not at a volume that allows you to hear them. Which is good, because I really was just taking the bus for a scenic fucking tour.
4. The maps and schedules. Oh, the maps. They have so many numbers and colors on them, but never the numbers you're looking for. The last stop listed on the schedule for the #72 bus is 3rd Ave-Pike Street. Is that the last stop? Of course not, you fool! You just missed your stop.
5. There is no "uptown". I discovered this after missing my stop (see above), and was stuck at a station where all of the entryways were labeled "downtown". After searching in vain for an uptown bus to get back to where I was supposed to be, I called my friend, who informed me, incredulously, that there was no such thing as "uptown" in Seattle. "Downtown" refers to a district, not a direction. I was supposed to know this...how?
As to the homelessness, I found this: "Yet, among the four metropolitan areas identified as having a high rate of homeownership and a low percentage of minorities, Seattle was estimated to have by far the highest per capita rate of homelessness." Another website tells me that Seattle is just slightly above New York in its homelessness rate. And Seattle is a highly educated city. Weirdness.
Now, let's talk about airplanes. Specifically, the processes of boarding and disembarking. There is an overhead storage space above your seat. It has ample room for your asininely large luggage. Lift your rolly monstrosity to the cabinet, and slide it in. Repeat this action with the luggage of your thirty idiot children and lazy spouse. Be seated. Simple enough, no? Apparently not, because it took me half an hour to get off of the plane at JFK.
I've been MIA for a while, and that's because I've had a strange journey to the land of Seattle, where homeless folk are abundant, there is no "uptown", and thrift store spring from the ground in copious amounts, like dandelions. Update coming soon- stay tuned for an angry rant on the Seattle bus system.
So, I have this tracking program for my blog which tells me where my visitors come from, physically and interwebbily. Of course, most of my traffic consists of New Yorkers, but I do get some folks from Israel, Kansas, Germany, and a few places I've never heard of. I've found that some of these people find me on Google, with the following search terms:
- "long-armed sumatrans"
- dr. zizmor bunion
- "gay bachata"
- gay bachata NYC
- bran
- cover letter playwriting advice
- "New York Times" "Chain reaction"
- luis lara malvacias the kitchen
Now, I get the most joy, I think, from the fact that someone turned to my blog for playwriting advice. But the fact that I came up first on Google for "gay bachata", well... that's incredible.
A few years back, the Associated Press made a pretty big goof by putting a certain picture in a certain article. Being an avid reader of The New York Times, I was sort of shocked that the article made it to print with said photo.
Here's the headline: COUPLE FLAUNTS BABY CUT FROM WOMB
Here's the picture:
The picture is of the woman who murdered Bobbi Jo Stinnett and took her fetus. Could they not have cropped the photo just a little bit higher?
Best movie I've seen at the theatre since No Country for Old Men. Especially wonderful is the short film before it. I'm sure I would have had soda coming out of my nose, had I been drinking soda.
It's come to my attention in my many years of theatre that most performers (and many directors) aren't very well-versed in technical theatre. Which is fine. No, actually, it's not really. I've seen many an argument between lighting designer and choreographer, stage manager and actor, et cetera et cetera. In almost every instance, the argument never would have begun if the non-technician could take the time to learn some basics rules:
1. The fast/good/cheap rule. You can have something fast and good, but it won't be cheap. It can be cheap and fast, but it won't be good. It can be cheap and good, but it won't be fast.
2. Technicians are considered skilled labor. Most of those folks with all the gadgets and cargo pants around you went through a decent amount of school and/or training to get where they are, and they probably know a lot more than you about those amps, or those lights hanging over your head. They have a very physically demanding job, and they don't particularly enjoy being up on top of a ladder 30 feet high while you argue with your lighting designer for ten minutes. So treat them respectfully, and let them do their jobs with minimal fuss.
3. Your costumes are your costumes. There is no point in arguing with the designer. If you need something hemmed, or tore something, sure- bring it up, get it fixed. But if you feel that your costume is ugly or somehow unflattering, can it. It is not your decision to make, unless you are the director or designer.
4. Cue-to-cues suck, but we need you to remain silent during them. The quieter you are, the quicker we all go home.
5. If you have a projector (or many) in your show, it can be a large projection on the back wall, but your performers will be projected on as well. If you hang the projector closer, it will be a smaller picture, but you'll get less shadows in the projection. If you don't want to deal with the issue of shadows at all, talk with the tech director about renting a rear-projection screen.
6. "That annoying sound" is probably the dimmer racks or the ventilation system. Either way, there's not much to be done about it. Mention it, but don't expect it to disappear.
7. If the theatre is too cold, tell someone. But don't expect it to warm up instantly. It is probably a large, cavernous space with an ancient system. So.
8. When you are using a microphone, do not rub it against yourself, do not chew gum, and do not set the mic down violently on a surface. The audience will hear all of these things, and they are all painful in different ways.
9. Sound check is not rehearsal time.
10. We don't know if it's sold out. Check with the box office.
11. You had (hopefully) a production meeting before your technical rehearsals. If anything has changed regarding your tech needs, you should have called the tech director in advance. If you didn't, no added time/lighting instruments/scenery/staff for you. Not negotiable.
12. No, you can't drill into our walls. You're in our space for a week. The next show comes in two days later. Everyone wants to drill holes in the wall. No.
13. If you want to fly people, hire a professional rigger with certification and get some extra insurance. You can't necessarily ask a theatre's crew to be comfortable doing it for you.
14. Lighting is tricky, and takes time. Many theatres use older equipment, and don't have the option to do crazy things like changing colors and rotating patterns and things. You can have those things, but they cost money. And if you want them, see #11.
15. If you are a director and you have no stage manager, you ARE the stage manager. Sad but true.
16. Do you really need that follow-spot? Think about it, because it will require either an extra person or more work for your board op. And follow-spots are usually a bit shaky. So if it doesn't add much to your show, nix it.
17. We know you're stressed out. We will try to disregard statements made in panic, but if you're abusive, you'll create an uncomfortable working environment for everyone. And theatre is a small world.
18. You can't have a triangular spot of light without a triangle gobo or an expensive gadget of some sort. A Source Four (the standard lighting instrument of today) has four shutters. These four shutters can create squares, paralellograms and other four-sided shapes.
19. Use your first time in the theatre or on the set to get a feel for where things are and what's potentially dangerous. Your stage manager should take you through all of this, but if not, look closely at things. Flats can fall down, you could bump into boom lights in the dark, or trip over cords. Make sure you bring up any safety issues to the theatre staff. We don't want you to get hurt (usually).
20. We're not assholes (usually). If we're telling you "no", there's probably a good reason. Ask us the reason, and we'll tell you. Argue it if you must. But really try to understand what we're telling you.
21. Please- if you spill beer or wine on stage, either clean it up yourself or tell someone about it. Nobody likes to clean up week-old spills at strike.
22. Campfire/dressing room rule. Leave everything in better condition than you found it. Whatever comes in with you also should leave with you.
ADDED BY DAVID & ANONYMOUS:
23.I've always been a big fan of the first day the director shows up on set and sees the set after the technical staff has put in hours and hours of labor, sacrificed sleep, relationship status, and general health and usually, 9 times out of 10, the first comment out of their mouth is, "Oh, is that how it's going to look?"
No jackass, we just decided to put this up to see what you'd think.
24.Here’s one: If you are going to use a headset to communicate with your crew, there are two basic rules to remember. First, don’t yell. Do you yell basic instructions on a telephone? Well, you shouldn’t. Second, if you are not directly communicating to someone over the headset, PLEASE turn the talk button off. Yes, it is amazingly convenient to leave the talk button on while you flip through your magic sheets and sort out your ideas aloud. But if that button is on when you remove your headset or take some inane personal phone call, that is some unforgivable shit right there.
25. Oh, also: It’s rarely a good idea to use everything listed in a theater’s inventory. Yes, it’s there, technically, but there’s always going to be something wrong with the last couple pieces of equipment. The last ellipsoidal is going to be dim, and the last monitor is going to have an annoying hum; deal with it, or learn to be more economical in implementing your design.
I know a few techies read my blog, so- feel free to comment with more, and I will add them!
Remember these folks?
Their collection has grown exponentially over the past couple of weeks, and though their SUV seems to have disappeared (yes, I discovered at some point that they owned and/or stole a vehicle), their passion for amassing objects of unspeakable value remains strong.
They now have a kitchen sink. Totally not joking.
Last night, I went to the opening of an exhibition curated by Chuck Close. The exhibition was pretty good, some solid work from artists experimenting with unusual materials. But the real reason I'm blogging about this show is because a piece by Ron Mueck was included, and it reminded me of how awesome he is.
Basically, he does sculptures of people- but they actually look like people. They have hair, veins, life-like skin, imperfections. Some of them are tiny, and some of them are enormous. All of them are incredible. If you ever get the chance, definitely go see his work. I promise that you will not be disappointed.
