Election War

If you have access to television, newspapers, or any other media stronghold, you've likely read or heard the following lines, or something akin to them:

Hillary Slams Obama Over Deceptive Ohio Mailers

Obama Slugs Back At "Trial Lawyer" Edwards

McCain Punches Back over GI Bill

Clinton Fights Back to take New Hampshire

Democrats Attack; McCain Kicks Back

Obama Attacks McCain's Record On Immigration

Romney Blasts McCain Over Iraq War Charge

Hillary Clinton Battles for Rhode Island Voters

Under Fire, Obama Tackles Race Relations Head-on

Clinton, Obama Camp Exchange War of ‘Just Words’

It's a wonder our presidential candidates remain standing. It's getting bloody and tiresome. I would like to put forth the following motion:

For the next three months, any campaign-related issues must use metaphors based on Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

I submit the following substitutes for the above headlines:

Hillary Sets Obama's Table over Deceptive Ohio Mailers.

Obama Puts Down Toilet Seat on "Trial Lawyer" Edwards

McCain Invited to GI Bill Soiree; Politely Declines with Adequate Notice

Hillary Silences Cell Phone to Take New Hampshire

Democrats Serve Appetizers; McCain Asks to be Excused

Obama Removes Tongue Ring to talk about McCain's Immigration Record

Romney RSVP's to McCain for Iraq War Soiree

Hillary Clinton Correctly Pronounces the Name of Every Rhode Islander

Obama Avoids Wearing White Suit at Interracial Wedding

Clinton, Obama Camp Exchange Recipes for Key Lime Pie