A few years back, the Associated Press made a pretty big goof by putting a certain picture in a certain article. Being an avid reader of The New York Times, I was sort of shocked that the article made it to print with said photo.
Here's the headline: COUPLE FLAUNTS BABY CUT FROM WOMB
Here's the picture:
The picture is of the woman who murdered Bobbi Jo Stinnett and took her fetus. Could they not have cropped the photo just a little bit higher?
Best movie I've seen at the theatre since No Country for Old Men. Especially wonderful is the short film before it. I'm sure I would have had soda coming out of my nose, had I been drinking soda.
It's come to my attention in my many years of theatre that most performers (and many directors) aren't very well-versed in technical theatre. Which is fine. No, actually, it's not really. I've seen many an argument between lighting designer and choreographer, stage manager and actor, et cetera et cetera. In almost every instance, the argument never would have begun if the non-technician could take the time to learn some basics rules:
1. The fast/good/cheap rule. You can have something fast and good, but it won't be cheap. It can be cheap and fast, but it won't be good. It can be cheap and good, but it won't be fast.
2. Technicians are considered skilled labor. Most of those folks with all the gadgets and cargo pants around you went through a decent amount of school and/or training to get where they are, and they probably know a lot more than you about those amps, or those lights hanging over your head. They have a very physically demanding job, and they don't particularly enjoy being up on top of a ladder 30 feet high while you argue with your lighting designer for ten minutes. So treat them respectfully, and let them do their jobs with minimal fuss.
3. Your costumes are your costumes. There is no point in arguing with the designer. If you need something hemmed, or tore something, sure- bring it up, get it fixed. But if you feel that your costume is ugly or somehow unflattering, can it. It is not your decision to make, unless you are the director or designer.
4. Cue-to-cues suck, but we need you to remain silent during them. The quieter you are, the quicker we all go home.
5. If you have a projector (or many) in your show, it can be a large projection on the back wall, but your performers will be projected on as well. If you hang the projector closer, it will be a smaller picture, but you'll get less shadows in the projection. If you don't want to deal with the issue of shadows at all, talk with the tech director about renting a rear-projection screen.
6. "That annoying sound" is probably the dimmer racks or the ventilation system. Either way, there's not much to be done about it. Mention it, but don't expect it to disappear.
7. If the theatre is too cold, tell someone. But don't expect it to warm up instantly. It is probably a large, cavernous space with an ancient system. So.
8. When you are using a microphone, do not rub it against yourself, do not chew gum, and do not set the mic down violently on a surface. The audience will hear all of these things, and they are all painful in different ways.
9. Sound check is not rehearsal time.
10. We don't know if it's sold out. Check with the box office.
11. You had (hopefully) a production meeting before your technical rehearsals. If anything has changed regarding your tech needs, you should have called the tech director in advance. If you didn't, no added time/lighting instruments/scenery/staff for you. Not negotiable.
12. No, you can't drill into our walls. You're in our space for a week. The next show comes in two days later. Everyone wants to drill holes in the wall. No.
13. If you want to fly people, hire a professional rigger with certification and get some extra insurance. You can't necessarily ask a theatre's crew to be comfortable doing it for you.
14. Lighting is tricky, and takes time. Many theatres use older equipment, and don't have the option to do crazy things like changing colors and rotating patterns and things. You can have those things, but they cost money. And if you want them, see #11.
15. If you are a director and you have no stage manager, you ARE the stage manager. Sad but true.
16. Do you really need that follow-spot? Think about it, because it will require either an extra person or more work for your board op. And follow-spots are usually a bit shaky. So if it doesn't add much to your show, nix it.
17. We know you're stressed out. We will try to disregard statements made in panic, but if you're abusive, you'll create an uncomfortable working environment for everyone. And theatre is a small world.
18. You can't have a triangular spot of light without a triangle gobo or an expensive gadget of some sort. A Source Four (the standard lighting instrument of today) has four shutters. These four shutters can create squares, paralellograms and other four-sided shapes.
19. Use your first time in the theatre or on the set to get a feel for where things are and what's potentially dangerous. Your stage manager should take you through all of this, but if not, look closely at things. Flats can fall down, you could bump into boom lights in the dark, or trip over cords. Make sure you bring up any safety issues to the theatre staff. We don't want you to get hurt (usually).
20. We're not assholes (usually). If we're telling you "no", there's probably a good reason. Ask us the reason, and we'll tell you. Argue it if you must. But really try to understand what we're telling you.
21. Please- if you spill beer or wine on stage, either clean it up yourself or tell someone about it. Nobody likes to clean up week-old spills at strike.
22. Campfire/dressing room rule. Leave everything in better condition than you found it. Whatever comes in with you also should leave with you.
ADDED BY DAVID & ANONYMOUS:
23.I've always been a big fan of the first day the director shows up on set and sees the set after the technical staff has put in hours and hours of labor, sacrificed sleep, relationship status, and general health and usually, 9 times out of 10, the first comment out of their mouth is, "Oh, is that how it's going to look?"
No jackass, we just decided to put this up to see what you'd think.
24.Here’s one: If you are going to use a headset to communicate with your crew, there are two basic rules to remember. First, don’t yell. Do you yell basic instructions on a telephone? Well, you shouldn’t. Second, if you are not directly communicating to someone over the headset, PLEASE turn the talk button off. Yes, it is amazingly convenient to leave the talk button on while you flip through your magic sheets and sort out your ideas aloud. But if that button is on when you remove your headset or take some inane personal phone call, that is some unforgivable shit right there.
25. Oh, also: It’s rarely a good idea to use everything listed in a theater’s inventory. Yes, it’s there, technically, but there’s always going to be something wrong with the last couple pieces of equipment. The last ellipsoidal is going to be dim, and the last monitor is going to have an annoying hum; deal with it, or learn to be more economical in implementing your design.
I know a few techies read my blog, so- feel free to comment with more, and I will add them!
Remember these folks?
Their collection has grown exponentially over the past couple of weeks, and though their SUV seems to have disappeared (yes, I discovered at some point that they owned and/or stole a vehicle), their passion for amassing objects of unspeakable value remains strong.
They now have a kitchen sink. Totally not joking.
Last night, I went to the opening of an exhibition curated by Chuck Close. The exhibition was pretty good, some solid work from artists experimenting with unusual materials. But the real reason I'm blogging about this show is because a piece by Ron Mueck was included, and it reminded me of how awesome he is.
Basically, he does sculptures of people- but they actually look like people. They have hair, veins, life-like skin, imperfections. Some of them are tiny, and some of them are enormous. All of them are incredible. If you ever get the chance, definitely go see his work. I promise that you will not be disappointed.
I'm no huge fan of metal, but I saw Judas Priest and Anthrax a couple years ago in Poughkeepsie, and I have to admit, those guys can really put on a show. So it was with anticipation of technical wonders that I went to the Iron Maiden show at MSG this past Sunday, and I was not disappointed. I don't know how much you'll be able to make out from this photo, but the set was made to replicate the inside of a pyramid or Egyptian tomb, with sarcophagi and hieroglyphics. The truss moved during the show, from a roof-shape (pictured), to horizontal, to waving during an homage to the "Rime of the Ancient Mariner".
Now, I wasn't so impressed with the set, as it was overly symmetrical and only Bruce Dickinson (the lead singer), was able (or allowed?) to move around to different levels. The drummer was sort of hidden in a little cove center stage (perhaps for sound reasons), and the only time I could see him was when the widescreen monitor cut to him, from a camera placed down near his crotch somewhere.
However, the lighting and pyrotechnics were amazing, and there were some really funny giant skeletal creatures waiting in the wings for their special moments. Perhaps the best part of the show was when the sound cut out entirely, mid-song. No mics, no amps, nothing, for almost ten minutes. The guys onstage were thrown a soccer ball, which they gladly kicked back and forth, and the sound technician covered his head when introduced to the audience later.
All in all, a fantastic night out.
Drunk guy at bar (to self): 3 a.m. already? Gosh, I'm getting sleepy. Maybe I should order a Red Bull 'n vodka. Oh, but then I look like a pansy- all the other guys are drinking Jameson. Huh. What to do. Mmmm, those chicken fingers smell delish! If only there was a way I could get an energy boost while eating shitty food, thus preserving my masculinity!
I had never seen one of these until today. But now I want one:
I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but each of those blue semi-circles has three water jets going in different directions. Photographed on West 19th street, Chelsea.
So I finally had some time free to play with my airbrush-here are the results (smurfy smurf):
Ever since I remembered this song a week ago, it has been terrorizing my every waking moment. I seriously cannot get the fucker out of my head. And I've never liked it to begin with! And now I share it with you:
Also, I discovered this week that there are musicians who call themselves "manualists". These are lonely, geeky souls who apparently can't afford video games orcoin collections. So instead, they do this:
Now I leave you with this picture of "9/11 mastermind" Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, a man who was able to orchestrate one of the most horrible attacks on our soil, but who apparently has been living in his dad's basement for his whole adult life, cultivating his chest jungle and stretching the neck holes of his t-shirts.
It was around 4 in the a.m., at the 191st street subway station In Washington Heights. I was heading home with my friend Heather from a long and productive night ridiculing dumb men at bars, and I was pretty damn tired. The station was actually really busy for that time of night- lots of folks out and about.
As we left the elevator, a man approached behind me, and I heard Heather gasp. The next thing I knew, there was a quick succession of ass grab, hand-on-my-waist, and a crumpled dollar bill shoved in my face. Somewhere in there, I managed to get out the words "don't fucking touch me".
For a few minutes, I struggled to make sense of the quick event, wondering if I had misconstrued the action, or if he had been trying to hand me back a dollar that had in fact dropped somewhere. Heather assured me that this was not so, because she had seen the man take the dollar bill from a money clip that held just the one dollar.
I've since decided that this man is an agent for the common good. He goes bravely into the night, accosts people, and hands them money. Sort of like the street version of "Cash Cab". In exchange, you still get to feel violated and have others feel concerned for you.
