A Proposal

I would like to propose a ban on the following songs, sung by numerous NYC subway acapella groups. Upon hearing the opening notes of any of these, my ears get tense, my fingers dig around in my bottomless bag for my iPod, and the words "Please, dear Lord, no, not again" escape involuntarily from my lips. That's right folks- they are so mind-altering that they make me momentarily believe in a higher being, if only to blame him for my sardine-squished, "stand clear of the closing doors" agony. And here they are:

1. "My Girl"
True story- I woke up one morning, feeling beyond shitty, snot running down my face, stomach-ache raging, and muscles sore from work. To face the world was not appealing to me in the first place, but I couldn't miss work. So I got on the train at about 8:30 am to make my hour-long commute to DTW. Whispered conversations were as loud as frat parties in my head. A tourist with his young daughter boarded the train somewhere around 96th street (the first stop out of the Bronx where one encounters white folk), and sat next to me. This man was so happy. His daughter, too, was so happy. They were a duo of heinous, nauseating glee. The man bounced the girl up and down on his knee, repeating many times "we're on the train! see, we're on the train! do you like the train? i like the train, aren't we on a great train? train train traintraintrain!" Meanwhile, the train's every forward lurch made me heave a little. Then...oh, then...this acapella group boarded the train. The man's eyes widened as the group launched into a pitch-perfect rendition of "My Girl". To my horror, the man then repeated many times "this is our song! Baby, do you believe it? this is our song! it's like they knew! this is our song!"
This is why I'm cranky. All the time. Forever more.

2. "In the Jungle"
I don't know if this is the actual title, but you all know the song I'm speaking of. This is probably the "ooh ooh ooh-iest" song out there, and therefore, finds a special place in the dark, cavernous hearts of the acapella intruders.

3. "Lean on Me"
Touching? Check. Evocative of climactic scene in inspirational film? Check. Sung not only by an acapella group, but also by a homeless man with the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait? Check. I believe people give this guy a dollar to stop him from singing.